i_leslie

School is good. History sucks but all my other classes are great.

Started playing in a new LJ RP group for Star Trek (reboot). Having fun. I'm playing as Admiral Pike *grin*. The group itself is a good group of people. They've got some great plots going and, thank goodness, they are not pushy or forceful about things like posting all the damn time or following some God!Mod plotline like other places I've played in more recent years. It's calming, actually. I don't feel this calm in playing with people unless I'm rping with kurichai and she's the only player that's made me feel calm and who I feel receptive to when I'm playing. I think it also helps that, even when she and I are rp'ing, we tend to be able to keep up conversations that have nothing to do with the game and yet, everything about the characters as we play just clicks. That's how things feel over at the new ST site. Especially the person playing McCoy. They are just too funny. But, no plans to let it interfere with my current relationships or school work and such. It's just for fun. And man, it feels good to play a character just for fun and not have to worry about other people taking shit seriously.

Am working on a new ST story... a first one for me...

It's raining here today. I love the sound of rain.

In health related news...

The mass has grown over the past week and has gone deeper. I'm guessing we all know what that means... am still not dealing with it very well. I deal with it in small amounts at different paces and such. Right now i just... try to keep on with my every day life in hopes that I can just keep going at this pace until winter break. I so don't want to have to give up my first semester back in school.

Nicholas had an asthma attack yesterday morning. Poor baby. He's never been diagnosed as having asthma. So now he's on an inhaler every 6 hours for the next 6 days. We see his pediatrician next Tuesday and at that point they'll write up a more permanent care plan for him I guess. At least he slept better last night. Glad someone did. I slept with half my brain awake just in case he had an attack during the night.

Anyways. That's all for now.

I had hope that I was wrong.

Hell, I had hope THEY were wrong, too.

There's a mass the circumference of a quarter and the thickness/depth of a grape beneath my right breast. And it hurts like all hell. Physically and emotionally.

Blood work today also shows that my liver function is down. Something completely new.

I had a depressing day so I went and saw ROTF again just because I guess I needed the comfort of something familiar. Wanted to see Star Trek but the times were later and I needed to be back home this afternoon.

More blood work to come. New doctors. New tests.

Some part of me just wants to say no to it all and just let whatever's gonna happen... happen.

But I can't. I know that much. I just sometimes feel like I should.

*sighs* It's times like this that I wished certain people lived closer because it's not like I really have anyone here to talk to about all this. I don't want to upset and worry Dad or the kids so I haven't said anything to them yet. Yeah, I know. Eventually I'll have to do so. Doesn't mean I like it, though.

Anyway... that's the update. I'm going to go drown myself in pizza, coke and some Star Trek TOS movies.

Later all.

I guess, all things considered, life could be worse. I'm just not yet sure as to how.

Nicholas came home from spending this past weekend with his father. I find out that Adam not only had no food in the house, he hadn't even offered to fix Nicholas anything to eat all day Sunday, giving him only a bag of chips and some cereal. I haven't gotten child support in over three months now and before that I got one payment after nothing for six months. Yeah. Can we say the lawyer got called?

School, on the other end of the spectrum, is absolutely awesome. Except for my US History teacher, who I'm going to talk to my advisor about on Wednesday, I absolutely love my professors, especially my English prof. Gods, he is just fucking awesome.

Joanna had an asthma attack this past Friday because Mold count was in the fucking 12,000's. She's doing much better this week.

My knee is still on the mend. I have physical therapy this morning at 11am.

My lupus seems to have waned somewhat except for the occasional fever now and again (such as last night).

Have lost ten pounds so far, by the way. No complaints. Dad's doing okay so far as well.

Joanna's has begun her junior year in highschool and this past weekend we went looking at class rings and prom dresses. *sighs* My beautiful baby girl is so grown up. I'm going to miss her in a couple of years when she heads off to college.

Everyone have a good week.

Later.

So, last Thursday morning, I had arthroscopic surgery on my right knee to repair the damage done there. The surgery took about 90 minutes and then it took another 2 hours for me to fully come out of the general anesthesia. Got home that afternoon and slept the rest of the day because i was happily drugged with pain killers. Slept off an on all day Friday as well. Managed to get up and around Saturday and Sunday with crutches and then yesterday without them.

Which is where the house tried to kill me.

Managed to make it downstairs for dinner last night which, wonderful daughter volunteered to make. After dinner, I was going back upstairs and into my room when I hit the bookcase with my left foot and fell again. I broke the last two toes on my left foot and reinjured my right knee. So, I am laid up downstairs now which, I guess is okay since I kinda have everything i need down here, but I'm supposed to start school on Monday. We'll see how that goes...

Other than that? Meh.

My friend Sam had a bad incident with an allergic reaction last night. Kudos to his boyfriend, El, for getting him to the hospital and all. I'm glad they have each other despite the hell their families seem to put them through. Sam, hope you're feeling better, bro. El, keep him in bed and make him rest, okay?

Christine is meeting with another college advisor today. Am praying and hoping things go well for her too.

Out for now. Meds are kicking back in.

Oh, Sam! I'll email you the info on the backup story sometime tonight. Thanks for volunteering.

+Peace+

Looks like this journal is going to end up friends only as well.

And I guess I'm going to have to be careful as to who is on the friends list.

Am tired of being called a crazy bitch by people who are crazier than me, and who've done hell of a lot worse shit than me.

But, whatever.

When I heard about it earlier, I was tempted to say that I fucking give up and just erase all my shit on LJ and delete my journals. I took all the stories down that I co wrote with "that" person and delted them all. Don't fucking care of she got to save them or not. I just don't give a fucking damn anymore. They're all deleted. I saved everything from all my rp sessions with said person so I don't care anymore.

But... that being said. I'm not going to delete my journals. Why the fuck should I?

Anywho... also, while I appreciate the person who told me what was said about me most recently doing so, I don't really need to know or care to know anymore. If "that" person has such an obsessive need to talk about me in every fucking post she makes, then that's her problem. Not mine. If she's that obsessed with me that she has to follow all my journal entries and comment on them, then maybe she needs a lot more therapy than she's getting. But seriously? I really don't want to know anything else she's said about me. I just don't care anymore. She's pretty much dead to me at this point so... *shrugs*

Surgery on Thursday at 6am. Will be offline until probably the following Monday.

So, I met with the physical therapist today. She was very nice and explained everything to me about what all we'd be doing after my recovery time from surgery next week and all. I really like her a lot. She did some work with my knee and ankle both today and explained a little more about what all is going to be done in my surgery next week.

Just spoke to my college advisor and am meeting with him tomorrow to finish up my student development info as well as getting all my disability information submitted and such. I was able to find courses I need for my degree plan online so I won't have to be trying to figure out how to move around campus when I only have ten minutes between each class. The only class not available online was my math course which, no big deal, it's on a campus on this side of town that's one story and all. So, yeah. Everything there is working out well.

I spent some time thinking this morning and I have come to realize that the past is called that for a reason. Because it's "PAST" and cannot be changed no matter how much we may wish for it to be. We have to accept what has happened and just move forward. Let Go and Let God. I read that somewhere once and I realize now that it makes perfect sense. I can't control what happens in the lives of others, or what causes problems in over people's lives. I only have control over what goes on in my own life and I should not allow anyone to make me feel badly because of who I am, nor should I allow anyone to have such control over me as to push me so far that it makes me physically sick.

So, I bought a journal and everyday I am going to list four or five things/people that I am thankful for in my life as well as something good about myself. I'm thinking that will help a lot with my self-esteem, too. My whole life I have just let people walk all over me. I've let people guilt me into doing things I wouldn't otherwise do or saying things I wouldn't otherwise say. I've come to the conclusion that this is not the way my life has to be. I am who I am. I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror every morning and be able to say "You are a good person who deserves to be loved and be happy but not at the risk of your own sanity or self-esteem."

I'll turn 36 in October. My great aunt always said turning 36 was the real place where life began. So, here's to hoping she was right.

So I saw the ortho surgeon today and the news, as I suspected, wasn't good. *sighs* They are going to be scoping my right knee on August 13th so, it's a good thing I've got mail outs for the rare pairings comm on the 8th or they wouldn't get done. It's going to take me two to three days recovery so I may or may not be online just to let ya know. Anywho... so the scoping will be done on the 13th.  Now. I'm supposed to start class on the 24th of August. Doctor Lee told me today that my going to school on campus is not going to be an option until we get my knee fully repaired. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. Next, he gave me a scrip for a new knee brace and a slip for physical therapy three times a week for at least the next month or two. So, we get home and I'm still bummed out about the whole school thing so I go online and email my advisor and all who tells me I can drop all my campus classes and register for online courses. Hurray! So, yep, got all the classes I need in online or video classes. I'm excited. Yay for not having to drop fall semester. And being able to do classes from home will be a hell of a lot easier for me, too. Keeps me from having to pay daycare expenses for my son, too. Thank God for that since his father refuses to pay child support on a regular basis like he's supposed to be doing.

Tomorrow is the heart sonogram and then meeting up with the prosthetic office to get my new knee brace. Thursday is when I meet with the physical therapist. Oh joy. *shudder*

Still semi-laid up. I can't do much with my leg and ankle imobilized as they are - which kinda sucks. I did go through the rest of Mom's fabric and quilt books and got things put away. You'd think after three and a half years it wouldn't hurt so much, but yeah. It still does.

Son called me today. He's coming home tomorrow night but then he's going back to his Dad's on Thursday. I haven't seen him for a week. He'll be home three days and then gone another four. I'm glad he's having a good time but I've never been away from him for this long. It bothers me. I cried after I hung up the phone from talking to him. It's not that I'm trying to be selfish, but, I just... I don't spend that much time away from my children. Yeah, talk to me in 2 years when I have to send my daughter off to college. I'll be a complete wreck. But still... I guess with my son it's like... he's my baby and, well, i just don't like having him gone for that long.

Tuesday I see the ortho doctor again in regards to my knee and ankle both. Oh joy.

Wednesday, I have to have an ECG done (sonogram of my heart) to see if the CHF is what's causing the water retention and black outs that I seem to be having.

Had two seizures night before last and one during the day yesterday. Pain and stress don't mix well it seems.

That's all for now though.

Later.

So, I was on campus yesterday morning and as I was headed for the library, I fell and banged up my bad knee again and really messed up my ankle on that same leg. So, I am casted on my ankle and back in an imobilizer brace for the knee and pretty much laid up the next few days. Have to follow up with my ortho surgeon on Tuesday. Blah.

So, yesterday was my son's 9th birthday. Where does the time go? We had a great day with pizza, cake and ice cream. His "Aunt" Christine got him a Voyager Ironhide. My friend Sam got him some TF stickers and ordered Soundwave for him as well. Aunt Melissa sent Nicholas a check for his birthday. His dad is taking him to a baseball game tomorrow night. Dad, Joanna and I got Nick a TF chess set and the Castle Lego set that has like 932 pieces. Believe it or not it's already been completely built! It looks great.

Today we all went to church and, miracle of miracles, there was no trouble caused by the former senior warden even though he and his wife were both there. Today was potluck lunch, which we do on the 4th Sunday of each month.

This afternoon was napping and talking to Christine online for me. Then watching "Next Food Network Star" on the Food Network station.

An amusing confrontation with "that person" over some stupid community crap. Still has the 'holier than thou' attitude about her and all and I'm like... wow... are you serious? And I'm supposed to be the crazy bitch? Oh, wait, that's right. Today I was the attention whore. Such mature descriptions, right?

So, Friday I saw the ortho surgeon who has informed me that I am likely going to have to have knee surgery during winter break from school. Course, the surgery itself won't be a big deal, but it's a two week hospital stay at least. They don't let you go home until you are back up and around and able to do everything again on your own. Oh yay. May see if my knee can stand waiting until next summer so I don't feel too pressured and stressed with classes and such.

Speaking of classes, I have orientation all day Tuesday and Wednesday so if I'm not around online those two days, that'd be why.

Everyone have a great week... the last week of July. Wow. Where has the year gone???

+Peace+

So, let's see.

My congestive heart failure is being active again. I had fluid build up around my heart and lungs this week. Doctor Catina called me today and said that at least my blood work looked okay but he's still waiting on one or two more tests to come in. He will call me when those are ready.

Saw the orthopedic surgeon today and he said I have no carttilidge left in my right knee. So, I will have exploratory surgery at some point to see how much damage has been done to my right knee and then surgery options will be further explored from there. Looks like I may end up spending Christmas in the hospital just so I don't miss any classes this semester.

Speaking of classes, I will be gone all day Tuesday and Wednesday next week to attend orientation on campus.

Tomorrow is my son's 9th birthday!!! Thanks to kurichai  for sending him Voyager Ironhide (woo hoo!) and to optimus_life  for the great TF stickers, both of which Nicholas absolutely adores. Tomorrow he's getting a Castle Lego set and a Transformers Chess set from his family and then it's off to the Incredible Pizza Place for lunch (kinda like chuck e cheese but with better pizza and games) and then back to the house for birthday cake and ice cream with the boys next door.

Monday, he and his Dad are off to a baseball game and then Adam will have him until Wednesday evening.

TGIF,LJ'ers. Have a great weekend.

Not emotionally... just physically and literally.

Every time I try to take a deep breath I cough and feel as if there is about 10 pounds of pressure on my chest.

Congestive Heart Failure from what I've read...

I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow morning.

I've been retaining fluid. That's another symptof of CHF.

I didn't sleep last night. I'm running on being awake now since 630am Sunday morning with the exception of a 2 hour nap yesterday afternoon.

My family is Anglican. Our church is a member of the Anglican Church of North America and the Reformed Episcopal Church. Dad's church is called St Michael and All Angels. The Anglican church is run much like The Episcopal Church. We have a governing body known as a Vestry. There is a Senior Warden who does the work of the pastor when asked, takes care of the major issues in and around the church. There is the Junior Warden who is in charge of maintenance, yard work, etc. There is a Treasurer and a Secretary and then there are other members that are there for voting purposes and such.

Dad's Senior Warden resigned yesterday morning, two minutes before services started.

Why?

Because Dad let my son (who will be 9 years old this coming Saturday) be an acolyte yesterday morning. My daugther was home sick so it wasn't like Dad had anyone else to do the job. The Senior Warden is of 1930's opinion that children may be seen but not heard and have no business helping out in church.

I told Dad tonight at dinner that I'm not going to church for the next couple of weks with the kids because I need to come to some kind of peace with all of this and to see what the rest of the congregation wants to do. i don't want to jeapordize Dad's job with the church but neither do I want him to think I don't support him.

I hate decisions like this...

School starts in 5 weeks. For all of us.

Yeah... I'm drowning internally. And it really fucking sucks.

So.. it's been a week. A week that I am glad to have almost over. Not that it was bad or anything, just that it was long.

Monday was quiet. And slow.

Tuesday, son had more surgery so it was a long day with him. Poor baby. The meds made him sleep almost all day so, Tuesday night, he couldn't sleep at all. Daughter was sick too so she slept all day as well. Tuesday night, I only managed about 4 hours of sleep. *sigh*

Wednesday, I took daughter with me to a doctor's appointment in hopes that she could get seen as well. She was seen. And they ordered more blood work for her... which we did on Thursday morning.

The diet this week... well... just... yeah. *Sighs and rolls eyes*

I did okay I guess for the most part. Last night I kinda threw it all out because, hello, baseball game. Not like there are vegetarian options at a ball park, ya know? And then Six Flags today and again... veggie-what? Yeah.

Got stung by a bee today at Six Flags... and let me just say OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!  Plus... ALLERGIC!!!! Hand was swollen and it felt like someone had poured liquid fire into where the bee stung me. Blah. Still hurts. Still swollen. *pout*

Tomorrow, daughter is going with her boyfriend to see Harry Potter. I, on the other hand, am not setting foot out of my house tomorrow unless it's like some dire emergency reason.  Sunday is church - short service on Sunday... I think? Meh... I don't remember.

Son's 8th birthday is July 25th. (a Saturday) He doesn't want a birthday party per se, he just wants to go to Chuck E Cheese with the family and then come home to have cake and ice cream.  What can I say? He's easy to please.

And, the world has lost it's last light of truth in media today. Walter Cronkite died today. He was 92 years old. Never has a reporter ever been as trusted as him. I grew up listening to his voice on the tv as a child and as I got older as well. There are no reporters like him anymore these days. He will be sorely missed.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. More posties later.

Soooo....

I got up this morning around 5:50am and weighed myself.

I'm down to 174.

Let me explain.

When I got home from church yesterday and went to change clothes I noticed that my ankles and knees were all really, really swollen to the point where bending my knees was painful. So, Dad suggested I take one of his Lasix (diuretic) and see if that might help. Apparently, it helped a lot. Of course, having to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes was a pain in the ass but... ten pounds worth of fluids came off my body. This tells me two things:

1. My regular blood pressure medicine that has a diuretic built in to it is no longer working
2. I may need to take another one today just to ensure everything works okay.

I have CHF (Congestive heart failure) which can be aggrivated by having to much fluid build up in my body, especially around my heart and lungs. Usually, I don't have a problem with retaining fluids because one of my bp meds has the diuretic built in to it. So, I'm guessing that, after having been on this particular med for more than a few years, my body has built up some kind of immunity to it. I will discuss that with my doctor when I see her on Wednesday.

In other news, I went to bed at 1030 last night and slept completely through the night until 550 this morning. I have not done that in quite some time. It feels good.

That's it for now. Everyone have a good week.

If you read this, even if we don't speak often, post a comment with a memory of you and I. It can be anything you want. When you're finished, post this paragraph on your own status and you'll be surprised at what people remember about you...this is a keeper

Well, my day started out good enough for the most part. Jeremy called me and we talked for about 10 minutes or so. He's doing well in school, keeping a 4.0. I'm so proud of him. He's so different from when I first met him. I'm so proud of him. I should have told him that earlier but didn't want to embarras him or anything. And *smacks forhead* I forgot to ask him about his girlfriend. I always do that. *sighs* He's having some tests down with the doctor's this week. They think he might have Chron's Disease. That sucks. He says he'll be home the week of Thanksgiving so maybe I can steal him away for lunch or dinner while he's here.

My blood sugar has been really screwing with me today. I can't remember if I took my insulin last night or not. I need to get better about writing down things like that so I won't forget. I checked it half an hour ago and it was stil up around 137. I do not need this crap right now. I really, really don't.

Of course, stress doesn't help and my ex husband is giving me more than enough stress. He hasn't paid child support in several months now despite having a good paying job. His wife doesn't like it when he sends us money. I called him today to remind him of Nicholas' birthday and all and he told me that his wife is giving him shit about him getting Nicholas a note pad computer that's like 200-300 dollars. I was like... excuse me? How dare she even assume she has the right to say anything about what he does or does not give Nicholas for his birthday. I'm going to tell him on Friday that I do not want her at the party on the 25th.

Got three out of four of my textbooks ordered today off Amazon.com and saved like $300 doing so. Yay me. I have orientation on July 28th and 29th from 8am to 5pm. Should be interesting.

I was supposed to see my neurologist tomorrow but it's been rescheduled for the 7th of August. I see my family practice doctor on the 14th. Yay me. Got my disability letters turned in yesterday so hopefully I will hear from them soon.

Guess that's it for now. I need sleep, meds, cooler weather and rain and not necessarily in that order.

+Peace+

...but then again too few to mention...

Or so sang Frank Sinatra. He may not have had many regrets but, in keeping with the 25 things to know meme that's floating around, I've got three lists behind the cuts. Read or don't. Comment or don't. It's all up to you. I'm just feeling kind of off today and felt the need to post this.


( 25 Regrets )

( 25 Loves )

( 25 Places )

So Dad was in a very generous mood today and bought new phones for all of us, including one for my son as an early birthday present. I got a touch phone!!!! I am soooooooooooooo excited. Dad also changed our phone plan to include unlimited text messages too. Tonight Dad has had fun learning how to text message for the first time. I told him we should get him a facebook page now and he can update via his new touch phone. He said he did not understand Facebook or Twitter or any of those so I figure one thing at a time. I'll get him used to the phone for a month or so and then I'll work on Facebook with him ;)

So... if anyone on the old friends list has Verizon Wireless and texting, drop me a comment and we can exchange numbers and text or talk ;) Or if you have Verizon and can send picture messages, I'd love any cool TF or Star Trek images to use as wallpaper for the new phone ;)

Son has surgery in the morning at 1045 so I will update when I can.

If you want to find me on face book here is where you find me:  Leslie's Facebook Profile

Everyone have a good week and talk to you soon.

EDIT: Comments will be screened for privacy's sake.

Hope everyone is having a good Fourth of July celebration. We did our big cookout last night and today is going to be nice and quiet; I hope. Daughter is still asleep, even though it's almost 11am. Son has been up since about 8am with me. Dad got up about 9am. It's already 88 degrees outside and it's supposed to get up to 102 again today. Blah.

Woke up with a headache. It's probably because of all the damn heat. It does not bode well for my MS or my Lupus whenever the heat acts like this. On the plus side, got the disability letter from my doctor yesterday that I've been needing. Will take that down to the Medicaid office first thing Monday morning.

Son's birthday is coming up ont he 25th of this month. He's asked for three things: a laptop, a cell phone, and a Castle Lego set. I'm getting him the laptop because he wants one of those mini's that's like $200. Dad's getting him the cell phone when we renew our contract this coming week. Since his father hasn't paid child support in several months, I'm not expecting anything from that end. Wish I could afford to get him the Lego set he wants too, but... ah well. There's only so much I can do, you know?

Down to eight weeks until school starts. They're supposed to mail out checks sometime after the 15th. This would be nice because I'd like to get my books and stuff in enough time to look everything over before classes begin on the 24th of August.

We have a dove that built a nest just outside the upstairs, master bathroom. She laid two eggs which hatched about three days ago. We hadn't seen the babies until this morning and they are just too cute. The Daddy dove is keeping watch from a separate branch and keeps bringing food every so often. It's been fun to watch it all. I'll be sad when the babies are finally old enough to fly away.

My MRI for my knee has been postponed until next week sometime. Blue Cross has to do this whole preuthorization crap that always seems to take forever. The holiday weekend didn't exactly help this time either. Thankfully, the new doctor not only gave me an initial Lortab scrip with 90 pills, but he also gave me two refills.

Well, I guess taht's all for today. In the time it has taken me to write this, the temperature has gone up 2 more degrees. Yeah, think I'm just going to stay indoors today and do a whole lot of nothing.

+Peace+